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„Buffy“ als Medizin: Ich fand Parallelen zwischen Endometriose & Vampirserien

Jede 10. Frau auf der Welt leidet an Endometriose. Die schmerzhaften Wucherungen halten so lange an, dass Beschäftigungstherapien – wie zum Bespiel Serien zu schauen – eine große Hilfe sein können. Ein persönlicher Erfahrungsbericht.

Bei Endometriose treten Zysten und Entzündungen auf, die sich z.B. an Eierstöcken, Darm oder Bauchfell ansiedeln. Im Volksmund werden die Leiden „etwas stärkeren Periodenschmerzen“ gleichgesetzt – eine maßlose Untertreibung, finden Betroffene. Doch wie beschreibt man eine Krankheit, die zwar weit verbreitet, aber noch zu wenig erforscht ist? Die Autorin Karen Havelin hat in ihrem Buch „Please Read This Leaflet Carefully“ einen ganz besonderen Weg gefunden, ihrer Endometriose ein Gesicht zu geben. Sie fühlt sich nämlich wie Buffy, die Vampirjägerin. Im Geheimen kämpfen beide gegen Dämonen, nur dass Havelins Geister Teil ihres eigenen Körpers sind. Lest hier einen zuerst bei unseren US-amerikanischen KollegInnen veröffentlichten Auszug:

Ein Leben mit Endometriose, fühlt sich an, als würde man sich in einem Paralleluniversum befinden.

„Das Schwerste an dieser Welt ist es, darin leben zu müssen. Sei tapfer. Lebe. Für mich.“ -Buffy Summers.

Meine Endometriose-Operation ist schon wieder drei Wochen her. Schmerzen habe ich immer noch. So richtig viel besser oder einfacher ist mein Leben seitdem nicht geworden. Ich muss noch immer fast jeden Tag Schmerzmittel einnehmen, obwohl sie kaum gegen diese spezielle Art von Bauchschmerzen wirken. Etwas, das weder ich noch der Chirurg erwartet haben. Alles, was er sagte, war: „Es kann eine Weile dauern bis sie anschlagen, wenn du schon so lange mit Schmerzen lebst.“

Ich habe jeden Tag Schmerzen. Tabletten nehme ich erst ein, wenn diese kaum mehr auszuhalten sind. Es ist nicht meine erste Operation, aber die Verzweiflung ist noch frisch. Hatte ich bloß eine Heulattacke am Tag, war es ein guter Tag. Mache ich eine Bestandsaufnahme meiner Situation und dessen, was von mir verlangt wird, machen sich Gefühle von Hoffnungs- und Sinnlosigkeit in mir breit. Mein Verstand verwandelt dann sich in ein hysterisches, rotgesichtiges Kleinkind, das mich mit einem jammernden Mund, sabbernd, Tränen vergießend und mit verwundeten Augen anstarrt. Ich versuche, es zu beruhigen, wiederhole, dass es in Ordnung ist, traurig zu sein, verspreche, dass alles gut wird, obwohl ich alle Kraft dazu aufwenden muss, dieses Kind nicht zu schlagen. Ich wende mich ab, um aus dem Fenster zu schauen, die Zähne zusammenzubeißen und zu warten.

Wenn ich mich in einem Aufenthaltsraum von einer erneuten OP erholen muss, beruhigen mich Fernsehsendungen wie „Buffy“, in denen Feinde direkt, frontal, und mit Fäusten bekämpft werden.

Eines Tages wache ich vor Schmerzen auf, stehe nur auf, um die Vorhänge komplett zu verschließen, wieder ins Bett zu gehen und die letzten Episoden der dritten Staffel von „The Originals“ zu sehen. Spoiler-Alarm: Fast jede*r stirbt. „Vampire Diaries“ und „The Originals“ spielen beide im gleichen übernatürlichen Universum. Ich mag es, dass die Shows über ein schönes Produktionsdesign verfügen und so divers besetzt sind – außer natürlich, dass jede*r schlank, jung und wunderschön ist. Manchmal nerven mich aber die langen Erklär-Dialoge. Aber das machen all die Toten wieder wett. Ständig wird hier gestorben und von den Toten auferstanden.

Normalerweise erzähle ich niemandem, dass ich diese Art von Serien gucke. Irgendwie ist mir das peinlich. Ich habe schließlich einen Masterabschluss im Bereich Kunst. Ein Abschluss, der angeblich etwas mit seriöser Literatur zu tun hat. Wenn ich müsste, könnte ich sicher versuchen, das Argument zu bringen, es gäbe nicht genug zugängliche Kunst, die speziell weibliche Erfahrungen in den Fokus rückt. Aber als sehr zierliche und leise Frau nehmen mich die meisten ohnehin nicht ernst. Also lasse ich es.

Immer wenn es mir schlechter geht, komme ich zu diesen Shows zurück. Zum Teil liegt es daran, dass ich gerne Shows mit jungen Frauen als Hauptfiguren sehe. Junge Frauen ohne Kinder, wohlgemerkt! Dass fast keine Figur in diesen Shows Babys hat – außer dem gelegentlichen mysteriösen Kind, dessen Existenz alle Regeln des Universums bricht und das vor tausend Mördern geschützt werden muss – ist für jemanden wie mich, dessen Kinderlosigkeit nicht ganz freiwillig ist, mehr als angenehm.

Foto: Getty Images

Außerdem mag ich, dass niemand in diesen Shows einen Job hat – ihr hochmütiges, sexy, mörderisches Selbst zu sein und mit den anschließenden Dramen umzugehen, ist genug Arbeit. Das bedeutet, dass sie mir tagsüber Gesellschaft leisten können, im Gegensatz zu allen meinen Freund*innen mit 9-to-5 Jobs.

Das Tragische ist noch eine Parallele zu meinem Leben. Drama, geschickt gemischt mit dem Mondänen, dem Alltäglichen kenne ich. Während ich, wie Buffy, um mein Leben kämpfe, renne ich mit zugezogenen Vorhängen durch die Wohnung. Alle anderen bewegen sich draußen in der Welt und führen ein normales Leben, und frage mich, was ich mit den restlichen Tageslichtstunden machen soll.

Ganz selten passiert es mal, dass ich mich trotz chronischer Krankheit stark fühle. Dann fange ich an, mir vorzustellen, ungeachtet meines Zustandes alles erreichen zu können, was ich will – wie jemand ohne chronische Schmerzen. Dann ist es fast schon schwer für mich, wieder in die Realität zurückzukehren, und mich in meine vage und parasitäre Existenz zurück zu begeben. Kaum aber gehe ich raus in ihre Welt, fallen mir die Unterschiede wie Schuppen von den Augen. Wie laut sie reden! Wie groß sie sind! Ich beobachte sie, so als wäre ich nicht Teil von ihnen, wie eine andere Spezies. Unsicher versuche ich, Gespräche zu führen, aber gleichzeitig Fragen über meinen Beruf auszuweichen. Natürlich habe auch ich Stärken, doch meine Schwächen sind unmöglich zu umgehen.

Als ich mit zarten 19 Jahren im Haus meiner Eltern darauf wartete, dass mein Leben endlich beginnt, kam ich jede Nacht spät nach Hause und schaute Wiederholungen von „Buffy – Im Bann der Dämonen“ auf dem kleinen Fernseher in der Küche, um meine Eltern nicht zu wecken. Ich war so obsessed, dass ich meine Freunde in Bars zurückließ, um keine Episoden zu verpassen, obwohl ich die meisten eh schon gesehen hatte.

Du behältst deine Grundsätze, deine Feinde und sogar deine Outfits im „Leben danach“. Wie cool!

„Buffy“ ist gut geschrieben, bringt mich zum Lachen und behandelt die Thematik „Teenager-Angst“ besser, als die meisten Shows dieser Art. Zwischendrin muss immer mal wieder die Welt gerettet werden. Doch was mich am meisten an der Serie reizt, erkannte ich erst kürzlich. Auch Buffy hat eine unsichtbare Krankheit: Sie muss heimlich als die Auserwählte kämpfen. The One. Sie empfindet, wie ich, so viel Schmerz, den der Rest der Welt nicht sehen kann. Sie kämpft gegen Monster und andere schreckliche Kreaturen und begibt sich für ihre Heldinnentaten regelmäßig in Gefahr. All das bleibt unerkannt vom Rest der Welt. Alles, was ihr Umfeld mitbekommt, ist, dass Buffy Schwierigkeiten damit hat, sich „normal“ zu verhalten. Auch das kenne ich.

Zudem ist der Tod eine wiederkehrende Thematik ­– ständig stirbt jemand. Und dann? Was passiert, wenn es dunkel, ist Auslegungssache. Einig sind sich der Großteil dieser Shows dabei, dass es die „andere Seite“ zwar gibt, sie aber nicht für jede*n bestimmt ist und man als Tote*r durchaus irgendwann wieder auf der Bildfläche erscheinen kann. Du stirbst, aber wenn deine Freunde dich dringend genug brauchen, kommst du wieder, überreichst wichtige Nachrichten oder rächst dich und stirbst dann wieder. Du behältst deine Grundsätze, deine Feinde und sogar deine Outfits im „Leben danach“. Wie cool!

Nach großen Katastrophen erholen sich die Protagonist*innen schnell wieder. Spätestens ein oder zwei Episoden später scheint alles vergessen. Das Leben geht mehr oder weniger normal weiter – nur bis zum nächsten dramatischen Höhepunkt natürlich. Dass sich die Charaktere in einem kontinuierlichen Gefahrenzustand befinden und trotzdem in der Lage sind, immer wieder aufs Neue Mut zu zeigen und an ihre Grenzen zu gehen, hat eine beruhigende Wirkung auf mich. Denn auch mein Gesundheitszustand wird immer wieder zu einer Bedrohung, ständig muss ich neue Verluste verzeichnen. Dieses ständige Gefühl von konstanter Beunruhigung kenne ich also nur zu gut. So häufig habe ich in den letzten Jahren schlechte Nachrichten erhalten.

Am meisten spricht mich an diesen Shows deren Message an. „Mach weiter!“, sagen sie. Denn selbst, wenn dir eine Menge seltsamer Scheiß passiert ist, bist du nicht durch.

Diese ganz besondere Atmosphäre, kurz nachdem etwas furchtbar schief gelaufen ist, du aber nicht innehalten kannst, sondern weiter Entscheidungen treffen und um dein Leben kämpfen musst, kenne ich auch. Was mich aber vielleicht am meisten an dieser Art von Shows anspricht, ist das Konzept. Die Protagonist*innen leben, ohne das Wissen der anderen, in einer Parallelwelt voller versteckter Gefahren und Tragödien. Das kenne ich auch.

Bei all diesen Shows geht es um Schwächen und Stärken. Arrogante und praktisch unbesiegbare Vampire halten Monologe darüber, wie machtlos die Normalsterblichen doch sind. Aufgezeigt wird dadurch der Punkt, wie fast schon unerträglich verletzlich und fragil das Menschenleben ist, und dass genau das dem Leben an Wert verleiht. Es stellt sich also die Frage: Sind unsere Schwächen unser größtes Gut? Nein!

Denn im wirklichen Leben scheint unsere Verletzlichkeit nur eine Schwäche zu sein. Jeder Mangel an Klarheit über die Zukunft ist ein Zeichen des Scheiterns. Die meisten Menschen um mich herum führen ein durchgeplantes Leben. Diese Pläne basieren im besten Fall auf ihren Qualitäten, Stärken und Träumen. Heißt: der Ursprung ihrer Pläne sitzt im Kopf, der Seele, dem Inneren. Sie denken beim Planen ihrer Zukunft eher weniger an ihre Körper, außer sich vielleicht zu wünschen, so gesund und schmerzlos wie möglich zu altern. Wenn ich ihnen meine Umstände erkläre und verdeutliche, wie abhängig ich in meinem Planen und Tun von meinem Körper und Gesundheit bin, blicke ich in erstaunte Gesichter: „Wow, chronische Schmerzen? Das muss sehr einschränkend sein!“

Aber was passiert denn, wenn es plötzlich dich trifft? Wenn das rote Licht angeht? Wenn es eines Tages passiert, und du dich im Wartezimmer, in der Notaufnahme oder im Krankenhausbett wiederfindest, und du nicht gehen kannst? Wenn du mit dem Rest der gesundheitlichen Loser auf deine Bluttestergebnisse wartest? Wenn dein Leben beeinträchtigt wird? Wenn du nackt auf dem Operationstisch liegst, um aufgeschnitten zu werden? Wenn du in einem tristen Raum um dein Leben kämpfst, dessen monotoner Sound des immer angeschalteten Fernsehers dein Inneres so treffend widerspiegelt?

Wenn ich ihnen meine Umstände erkläre und verdeutliche, wie abhängig ich in meinem Planen und Tun von meinem Körper und Gesundheit bin, blicke ich in erstaunte Gesichter: „Wow, chronische Schmerzen? Das muss sehr einschränkend sein!“

Genau dann, wenn ich mich in einem Aufenthaltsraum von einer erneuten OP erholen muss, beruhigen mich Fernsehsendungen wie „Buffy“, in denen Feinde direkt, frontal, und mit Fäusten bekämpft werden. Dann laufe ich durch die Labyrinth artigen Gänge meiner Traumata und finde einen Weg, weittragende Entscheidungen zu treffen, wie zum Beispiel, ob eine weitere Schmerzbehandlung anstreben, oder mir die winzig kleine Chance einer künftigen Schwangerschaft beibehalten möchte.

Unsere Körper haben ein klares Verfallsdatum. Wir sind alle Menschen. Wir sind alle irgendwie, irgendwo, irgendwann eingeschränkt. Aber kann oder muss ich die Unvollkommenheiten dieses kurzen Phänomens, das wir Leben nennen, einfach so akzeptieren? Wieso darf nicht auch ich wie ein Kirschbaum in voller Blüte dastehen, bevor ein einzelnes Blütenblatt fällt?

Es kommt mir unfair vor, dass von jemandem wie mir, jemand schwer krankem, jemandem, der jeden Tag aufs Neue einen Weg finden muss, die nächsten Stunden zu überstehen, erwartet wird, auf eine höhere Ebene aufzusteigen? Die eines altruistischen Wesens, das mit den Einschränkungen dieses menschlichen Lebens völlig fein ist. Kaum jemand sonst scheint es zu müssen.

Wenn ich mit anderen über meinen Gesundheitszustand spreche, habe ich manchmal das Gefühl, dass sich die andere Person ab einem bestimmten Punkt fragt, warum ich mich überhaupt noch anstrenge? Wäre es nicht einfacher, tot zu sein? Obwohl ich weiß, dass ich mich in vielerlei Bereichen noch glücklich schätzen kann, kommt ihnen mein persönlicher Stapel an Unglücksfällen sicher so groß vor, dass er fast unglaubwürdig wirkt. So, als wäre ich mehrmals vom Blitz getroffen worden sein.

Aber was passiert denn, wenn es plötzlich dich trifft?

Es ist viel leichter, nicht über mein Leben mit Endometriose zu sprechen. Aber ich muss es tun – auch, um gesehen und gehört zu werden. Und weil ich Verbündete brauche.

Am meisten spricht mich an diesen Shows ihre Message an. „Mach weiter!“, sagen sie. Denn selbst, wenn dir eine Menge seltsamer Scheiß passiert ist, bist du nicht durch. Du kannst immer noch interessant und wunderschön sein. Auch wenn du mehrmals von den Toten auferstanden bist, von deiner Gemeinde gefoltert und gemieden wurdest und fliehen musstest. Selbst wenn du eine andere Art von Wesen werden und töten müsstest, um am Leben zu bleiben, kannst du zurückkommen – bereit, deine Feinde zu Fall zu bringen.

Mehr Informationen über Endometriose findet ihr auf der Website der deutschen Endometriosevereinigung.

Nylon
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